Just Passing Time

Longest real relationship? 4 years
How many boyfriends have told you they love you? 6
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yes
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? no
Are you happier single or in a relationship? relationship
Have you ever been cheated on? yes
Have you ever broken someone's heart? not that I know of
Talk to your exes? a couple of them
If you could go back in time would you change things with an ex? no, it's made me who I am today
Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend? I think so
Have you dated people who weren't good to you? yes
Have you ever dated someone older than you? Yes
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Depends on the situation
Believe in love at first sight? used to
Ever dated two people at once? yes
Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend? nope
Is heartbreak really as bad as it sounds? unfortunately
Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend? nope, I know who I'd like to be with
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no

Tired

Ever just looked in the mirror and stared at your face? I did that today, not realizing what I would emotionally feel like after. When the first tear fell down my cheek, I couldn't help but look at the circles under my eyes. I look old. I feel old. I see the gray hair surrounding my face, and the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth. Next month I'll be 35 years old. I have no children and am not married, nor do I have any plans of marriage...not by choice though. I want to get married and have a family, but I'm tired of waiting for that perfect guy to see the real me and and ask. I feel like I have not accomplished a thing in this life. Sure I have a few close friends, but none are local. So when I need to talk to someone, it has to be over the phone. It would be nice to just hug a friend when needed, which seems to be frequent lately. Today was not a good day for me. When my thoughts run rampant, more depressing things come to light. Thoughts I would just love to rip from my heart and brain. I'm so tired. I'm so tired I would love to just lay down and die and be done with it all.

Um, Yeah

Preceded by 34 Bad Years

May fucking sucks. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't collect my thoughts. So much has happened, but I'll only pinpoint a few of the details. My plastic surgery is coming up soon and I'm scared. Being sliced open from hip to hip is not something I'm looking forward to. The recovery will be terrible, and there is no one to take care of me. Yeah, I'm a baby and I want my mommy. And of course there is always the fear of not making it. Not really a fear to me, cause right now getting the dirt sleep sounds nice. But my mom... she has been through too much and if something happened to me it would devastate her. Secondly, I'm an emotional basketcase. Should I take what is right in front of me and settle for something I don't want, or opt to be alone? He wants me, but I want someone else. Not fair to any of us, but I'm the one who ends up crying every night thinking about "what might have been." Please, someone take my damn heart out of me. And to top it all off, May 27 is the anniversary of my sisters death. It will be 3 years. Seems like yesterday my dad told me the news. Seems like yesterday when I walked into her room where she lay and kissed her on the forehead before she was moved. Seems like yesterday we were having out sisterly spats. Seems like yesterday she was calling me a "tardo." It just seems like yesterday. I miss her sooo fucking much I just can't deal with it. The stupid things she would do are burned in my mind. Like when she would come over and look in my closets saying "do you have anything I can have?" I can't even type about her without the tears running down my face. Why was she taken from me? Why do I have to grow old without my big sister? Just fucking WHY???

I Just Wanna Scream

Why can't I just wake up from this nightmare? God please help me.

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

100 Proof

Tuesday night I went to a party at my friend Keith's house. After a couple mixed drinks of pure alcohol and too many shots of Tequila and Hot Damn 100 I was out of it. Unfortunately I remember everything, all the texts and phone calls I made. I apologize to those of you that received something stupid from me. Yeah, I get kind of emotional and want to tell people my feelings. I called my buddy Joe and he ventured on over and partook in some of the Tequila with me. When I was ready to leave I wandered out to my car, but was quickly cut off by Brooke, who wasn't about to let me leave. So they dragged my ass back in the house and made me sit for awhile. Probably a good idea considering I would have went to jail had I been pulled over. Interesting night, even better party. Anywho, I leave you with a picture of myself and my talented musician friend Joe Young.

Perfection Unveiled

You. The perfect guy. You deserve happiness and all that goes along with it. I hope you find what you are looking for, I really do. It hurts me to see you so sad. We are more alike than you think. The words you say are exactly my thoughts. It's funny how just a simple chat with you can make me smile, even when I don't want to. I love how I can talk to you about anything, and I know you won't judge me. I don't feel so lonely when I talk to you, even though I live a life of loneliness. I'm sad.... for many reasons. I'm sure you know why, and it's ok. I understand your situation, really. I don't blame you for pursuing your dream; I'd do the same thing. But the funny thing is that my dream is unattainable now. You know.. those simple things. I shouldn't have gave up 10 years ago. I regret that everyday. Whatever happens I will always be here for you, no matter what. You are special, important, perfect. My good friend. Not really how I wanted to see you, but how it ended up. My friend. I love you more than you will ever realize. I don't want to lose you again.
This is what I'll be doing tonight to forget.

Extreme Blah

This has so NOT been a good day. First of all, every muscle and bone in my body hurts, and I have no idea why. I've just wanted to lay in bed all day with someone holding me like a damn baby. Problem there is that I was completely alone. Ugh. And tonight I fought for several hours with Lee. NOT good. We both said some awful things to each other, more on my part, and now I'm pretty sure he hates me. This is definitely not how I planned my day to go.

Typical Friday Night

Give Me Some Truth

Earlier tonight I ran in to a friend, and the first thing he said to me was "Oh my God, you are just gorgeous!" That's nice enough I guess. But then the wheels started turning and I analyzed it, as I do everything. So I wonder which is worse... last year when people would state the truth about me being a "fat ass" or now when people lie to me about being beautiful when it's clearly not true?

Yeah, OK

My mom thought it would be funny to take a picture of me when I fell asleep in my old bed at her house. She's funny like that.

Moment of Clarity

My friend Haven called me tonight because she knew something was wrong. I had been crying, bawling like a baby really, about my life. I was out wandering, driving to nowhere, basically trying to find the void. I told her what I wanted out of life: love, family, stability. I want someone to give me roses on Valentine's day. Someone to call just because they were thinking about me. We talked about someone in my life that I care about very much, and how I felt about him. She told me I should talk to him about it. I should tell him MY thoughts, without expecting him to return the favor. That way it would just put me on the spot, not him. What's the worst that could happen she asked? Devastation. I guess the best thing is to go on pretending. Why does it have to be so damn hard?

One Less Reason

Tell me how you'd rather die alone,
then being stuck here... with me

Chadwick Chronicles

10 years ago I met someone very cool. We spent some time together which was great, but somehow it drifted away. I've thought about him often during the past decade, but never reached out to find him. Until a few months ago anyway. Found him online and had a good conversation with him. Talked about life, death, love.. the basics. I missed those conversations we had. The problem... 200 miles apart. Today I went and spent the day with him, and it was great. Same Chad I always knew I liked. Smart, fun and hot as hell. Am I attracted to him? Oh yeah, definitely. So now the question is do I move on this? Will he return the affection? Honestly I don't know. It sucks to know you've found someone perfect and there's nothing you can do about it. But I wouldn't give up the friendship for anything.

Krispy Kreme is the Devil

But those raspberry jelly filled ones are deliciously yummy!

Kasey Chambers

Give me a break, I'm female. I occasionally like the mush music.

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Neon Clear

Plastic surgery is scheduled! May 29, 2008 - ROCK! Yep, the nipping and tucking is about to begin. Step one to complete hotness. Wish me luck that everything goes well.

Vacation Baby!

Freakin' ROCKED! San Diego, Tijuana, and a cruise to Cabo San Lucas. 10 days of pure fun. Went with some of my best friends and definitely couldn't have had a better time. Not to mention the drinking was in plenty of quantity. I have 346 international roaming minutes on my cell phone bill to prove it. Don't drink and dial people! lol Have a great weekend!