Preceded by 34 Bad Years

May fucking sucks. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't collect my thoughts. So much has happened, but I'll only pinpoint a few of the details. My plastic surgery is coming up soon and I'm scared. Being sliced open from hip to hip is not something I'm looking forward to. The recovery will be terrible, and there is no one to take care of me. Yeah, I'm a baby and I want my mommy. And of course there is always the fear of not making it. Not really a fear to me, cause right now getting the dirt sleep sounds nice. But my mom... she has been through too much and if something happened to me it would devastate her. Secondly, I'm an emotional basketcase. Should I take what is right in front of me and settle for something I don't want, or opt to be alone? He wants me, but I want someone else. Not fair to any of us, but I'm the one who ends up crying every night thinking about "what might have been." Please, someone take my damn heart out of me. And to top it all off, May 27 is the anniversary of my sisters death. It will be 3 years. Seems like yesterday my dad told me the news. Seems like yesterday when I walked into her room where she lay and kissed her on the forehead before she was moved. Seems like yesterday we were having out sisterly spats. Seems like yesterday she was calling me a "tardo." It just seems like yesterday. I miss her sooo fucking much I just can't deal with it. The stupid things she would do are burned in my mind. Like when she would come over and look in my closets saying "do you have anything I can have?" I can't even type about her without the tears running down my face. Why was she taken from me? Why do I have to grow old without my big sister? Just fucking WHY???